In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
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They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
But that’s none of my business
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!