A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
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[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Seals are just dog mermaids.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’