Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
You Might Also Like
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Become a minion. Get that bread.