My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
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I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
this has done me in for some reason
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny