My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
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[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger