[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
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Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
any last words?
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.