Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
You Might Also Like
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
wish me luck lads
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.