professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
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When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
why am I working on Labor Day
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am