One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
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I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice