If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
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You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
My dog learned how to text
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.