3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
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Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan