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I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
“our sushi is very fresh”