Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
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I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Have kids, they said
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.