I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
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I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Effort made
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Teamwork makes the dream work.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.