My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
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Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.