I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
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Zack Greinke stories are the best
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”