me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
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I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.