Our lord and savoury.
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“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
how it started vs how it ended
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.