My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
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Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
selfie game
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.