Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
You Might Also Like
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.