Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
You Might Also Like
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Erm…
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Is this you?
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Born to be mild.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person