Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
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I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
I have no passwords left in me
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
They also CAN sing✌️
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.