Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
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[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”