Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
You Might Also Like
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
(more comics:
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”