S O O N
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Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea