My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
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Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.