{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
You Might Also Like
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Roses are red
Violets are blue