“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
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me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Moms. The original autocorrect.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever