Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
You Might Also Like
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
sry
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Friday
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point