[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
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Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.