BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
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I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
channeling her this year
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude