Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
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I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling