Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
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“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*