Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
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Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.