It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
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Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.