I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
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My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]