A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
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STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.