That’s classic.
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Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
😂😂
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.