Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
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UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?