*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
You Might Also Like
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Cool shirt 🙂
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?