anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
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OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today