It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
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how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave