*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
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Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable