I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
You Might Also Like
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Can’t stop laughing
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.