There is no “we” in pizza
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When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.