Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
You Might Also Like
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
pictures of spider-man
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread