When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
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oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.