me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
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MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
me linking you to my twitter
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Clients after you give them your rates
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.