“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
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Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
step 6: release the wall snake
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit