*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
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Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you